OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
