dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize