My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Someone came in the potted fern
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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