Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
