Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Randomize
