he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
