I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I would fuck him just for his dog
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
