I'm going to rape someone's good day.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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