My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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