you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Randomize
