glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
