thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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