I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
