I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i think i have two assholes
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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