Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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