He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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