She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
