I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
