I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
