Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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