I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
