i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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