Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
i think my cat just said my name.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
