my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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