why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
