oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
