I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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