When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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