So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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