Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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