i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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