census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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