why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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