what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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