I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Randomize
