Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Randomize
