The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
