he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Randomize
