i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
sarcasm needs its own font
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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