I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
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