Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
