I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
