Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
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