Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
