so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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