I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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