Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
