you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
