Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
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