happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
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