this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
tell me about the fingering
Randomize