evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
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