I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize