I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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