I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
