I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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