I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
