He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
