Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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